‘RHOBH’ zodiac signs equal chaos, cat fights and dangerous lies

Beverly Hills what a thrill.

Returning for its twelfth season this spring, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” is inarguably the franchise’s most decadent. The stakes are high, the plastic surgery top dollar and the women fearless in their approach to infighting.

Kyle Richards, Lisa Rinna, Erika Jayne, Dorit Kemsley, Garcelle Beauvais, Sutton Stracke, and Crystal Kung Minkoff are all back and will be joined by new Housewife Diana Jenkins for the new season which premieres on May 11 and will no doubt feature more drama, destined dinner brawls, talks of “really good sex,” feuds causing memoirs to be thrown in the trash and possibly another messy and scandalous divorce.

Whether hurling white wine or airing dirty laundry, we salute the broken, bats**t women, past and present, that make television worth watching by taking a deep dive into their zodiac signs.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Taylor Armstrong

Taylor Armstrong exhibits the Gemini capacity to adapt and overcome.
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Born June 10, former housewife Taylor Armstrong is a dynamic Gemini. A mutable air sign, Gemini’s are masters of the ‘adapt and overcome’ strategy for living. Ruled as they are by Mercury, planet of language and communication, this strategy is often supported by the written and spoken word. We see this power expressed in Armstrong, who, as a survivor of domestic abuse, has found healing through the process of writing a memoir, speaking publicly about her experience and advocating for others.

Tom Giardi

“Charming though duplicitous, Tom Giardi exhibits some of the more problematic personality traits of Gemini.”
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Erika Jayne’s former husband Tom Giardi, born June 3, displays one of the darker qualities of the Gemini personality; duplicitously. The disgraced lawyer who has been accused of misappropriating funds meant for trauma victims and cheating on his wife, has been described by his ex as “a master persuader and a master performer.”

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

The amount of Cancer energy among this cast is RIDICULOUS. Hurt feelings, narcissistic tendencies and binge brooding abound. A cardinal water sign, Cancer initiates the season of summer and the high art of drama. Add to this crab contingent househusbands Ken Todd and Maurico Umanksy, both Cancers. 

Teddi Mellencamp

Cancer Teddi Mellencamp.
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A Cancer in crisis will often go to great lengths to feel necessary. We see this tendency in Teddy, born July 1, who inserts herself into all manner of drama, including but not limited to Puppygate and the alleged carnal encounter betwixt Denise Richard and Brandi Glanville. Cancers are prone to take things personally as Teddi clearly did when she was not asked to return after season ten, referring to the severance as “a breakup.” Unable to step away totally from the drama, Teddi now reports on it from the relative safety of her podcast Two Ts In A Pod. Further evidence of Teddi’s Cancerian nature can be found in her avowed appreciation for Michael Bolton’s Greatest Hits. Easy listening and hard feelings, baby, what Caner suns are made of. 

Erika Jayne

Cancer Erika Jayne is prone to tears and tyranny.
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Cancer queen Erika Jayne was born July 10. Among the darker expressions of Cancer energy is emotional self-absorption, an inability to categorize the pain of others as greater than or equivalent to their own. We see this in Erika who, when questioned about the lived experience of the “widows, orphans, and burn victims” affected by her husband Tom’s alleged business misdeeds, responded with “how do you think I feel? Look at my f***ing life.” Playing the victim is the default role for a Cancer under questioning. As a water sign, Cancers like Erika are prone to drowning their sorrows in the sauce, a habit of Erika who is known to mix booze and antidepressants in a bid to float the bad feels away. Maybe it’s the substances to blame for Jayne’s unceremonious disposal of Garcelle’s book, or her absolute burn of Lisa Vanderpump, saying the Brit’s breath “reeks of garlic, cigarettes and chardonnay.”

Lisa Rinna

Apex Cancer Lisa Rinna is an unrepentant pot stirrer and a fierce momma bear.
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Cancer is ruled by the moon and associated with the archetype of the mother and Cancer Lisa Rinna, born July 11, proves herself a fierce and meddling momma bear who held neither tongue nor punches when it came to her daughters burgeoning romance with problematic suitor Scott Disick. Cancers struggle to maintain boundaries and are guilty of oversharing and over extending their concern for others where it is neither wanted or warranted. We see this in Lisa who called out Kim Richards for drinking and all but accused Yolanda Hadid of faking her debilitating Lyme’s disease. Weaponizing care? Apex Cancer.

Dorit Kemsley

Dorit Kemsley is a classic Cancer.
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Ahh Dorit, is there a more apropos career for a water sign than swimsuit designer? Nope. Is there a more Cancer action than using the naming of said designs to slight friends and enemies? Nay, just as crabs sidestep, Cancer’s are prone to indirect aggression. Born July 14, Dorit is unable to resist pettiness and trouble starting. See exhibit A her insufferable stance on wine glass etiquette, B her abhorrent behavior at a Beverly Hills “Lifestyle” magazine photo shoot featuring Lisa Vandepump’s jewelry and C her seeming need to be competitively close with her friends. Cancer’s are notoriously protective of their homes and their mates so it tracks that Dorit would spin out over Erika Jayne allegedly flashing her husband and be utterly unmoored by the armed home invasion she endured in October 2021.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Paul Kemsley

Leo real estate developer and househusband Paul “PK” Kemsley is lion hearted and easily swayed by hotness.
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Leos love lavishly and lion king Paul Kemsely, born August 17, is no exception, see the opulent birthday party he threw formodel wife Dorit. PK is a real estate developer, an apt profession for a sign that lives, messiah style, to build kingdoms in their own image. His ability to tolerate his wife’s pettiness, infighting and long winded storytelling by merit of her hotness is also big, big Leo energy

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Sanela Diana Jenkins

Virgo Sanela Diana Jenkins is poised to be a formidable addition to the RHOBH cast.
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Newcomer, Sanela Diana Jenkins, born August 23 is the latest Virgo to make a go of the Housewives franchise. From the looks of the season 12 trailer Diana is a formidable foe, telling Sutton, “You need a new villain? Here I am.” Virgos do not suffer fools and the influence of Mercury makes them masters of mind games as exhibited in Diana’s Instagram profile where she declares, “I am not what you think I am. You are what you think I am.” Heady, bro.

Diana makes good on the hard scrabble, hard working reputation of her sign, a refugee of the Bosnian war, she is a successful business owner and a noted philanthropist. Virgos are notoriously health conscious and Diana’s Neuro Drinks offers wellness beverages to the masses. Bonus: she counts Gemini and fellow mutable sign, HRH NPH as a bestie. 

Sutton Stracke

Ruled by Mercury, planet of communication, Virgos like Sutton have a unique approach to verbal expression.
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Virgo is ruled by Mercury, planet of communication and Sutton, born September 20, proves herself an innovator when it comes to language, routinely misusing verbs and inventing words all together. Excrementally, exponentially? Potato, potatoe. An exacting eye for detail is one of the hallowed hallmarks of Virgo and Sutton’s propensity for perfection helped her become a preeminent party planner and the power behind her self anointed retail concept.

Given their propensity to slum it in relationships, many Virgos fare better solo, a point exemplified by Sutton who admits that post divorce she “ended up at the finish line with a new house, a new Bentley, great friends and living my best life.” Some of us only get chlamydia after a breakup so good on you for the glow up, Sutton.

Lisa Vanderpump

Virgo Lisa Vanderpump surveys her kingdom.
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All hail Virgo regent, Lisa Vanderpump, a fan favorite turned questionable character. Virgos are blessed/cursed with obsessive attention to detail, a quality that has helped Lisa build her food and beverage empire and ensure her only daughter had a pitch perfect wedding. Ruled by Mercury, a planet of extremes, Virgos like Lisa do not take loyalty lightly a fact exhibited by her excommunication of Kyle and much of the remaining ladies in the franchise, stating that she would only return if producers “cleaned house…it’d be great. Just be Sutton, Garcelle, and me, right?” Virgo rules the sixth house which includes pets, in particular small animals and no one loves a lap dog like Lisa. Her allegiance to the disenfranchised four legged is so strong that it informed one of the greatest feuds in housewives history, ladies and gentlemen Puppygate.

Camille Grammer

Camille Grammer is a grind or die Virgo sun.
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Camille Grammer-Meyer was born September 2, making her a formidable Virgo sun. In terms of the physical body, Virgo rules the bowels and natives often suffer from digestive issues, and Camille herself has been open about her struggles with IBS. Virgos are proud of their grind and their grit, and Camille, who was awarded a reputed $30 million dollars in her divorce settlement from Kelsey Grammer balked at the idea that she was overpaid, “I was married for 13 years. That’s a long time. I just felt that, you know, working, and I worked hard. I just didn’t sit back, buying fancy clothes and shoving bonbons in my face. I mean, I worked hard.”

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Sheree Zampino

Sheree Zampino is a triumphant Scorpio.

Born November 16, newcomer Sheree Zampino is every bit the Scorpio, a sign associated with destruction and regeneration and what can be gained from loss. Sheree is the ex-wife of Will Smith and according to the Bravo website, maintains a close relationship with both Smith and his current wife Jada. In keeping with her sign’s natural ability to transform trauma into triumph, Sheree considers herself “a proud advocate for blended families and successful co-parenting after divorce.”

Brandi Glanville

Brandi Glanville is a cunning Scorpio sun.
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Scorpio rules the 8th house of sex, death and transformation and Scorpio native Brandi Glanville is well versed in all three. Having risen from the ashes of her dumpster fire marriage to and divorce from Eddie Cibrian, Brandi, born November 16, is avowed to honesty, no matter how ugly the truth or severe the collateral damage. An actualized Scorpio understands the power of secrets and the danger of lies and sees fit to drag the darkness into the light of day, or you know, the court of public opinion. We see this impulse expressed in Brandi’s denouncement of Leann Rimes and admission that she had, and deeply regrets, an affair with Denise Richards 

Harry Hamlin

Fellow water signs, a Cancer like Lisa Rinna is an ideal match for Scorpio daddy Harry Hamlin.
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Sauce making, age defying, compost composting househusband Harry Hamiln was born October 30, 1951 making him a double Scorpio (sun and moon). Scorpio rules the reproductive organs, apropos for Hamlin who titled his recent memoir “Full Frontal.” This sign gets an undue reputation for promiscuity. In reality, sex is a sacred energetic exchange to Scorpios and Harry reports having scant sexual partners and marrying most of them.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Garcelle Beauvais

Sagittarius Garcelle Beauvais holds the mic she never hesitates to drop.
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A trailblazing fire sign, Sagittarius that doesn’t shy away from innovation and archer Garcelle Beauvais, born November 26, made history when she became the first person of color to join the RHOBH cast. Sagittarians are known for their blunt delivery of difficult truths, or in the case of Garcelle, memorable jabs. Whether likening Kyle to a basic goldfish, wondering aloud if Lisa Rinna’s revealing clothing contributed to her daughter’s eating disorder, accusing Dorit of hijacking conversations or admitting that she likes some women more than others, Garcelle is never devoid of sharpness. Sagittarians are independent folk that go their own way and sometimes, as Garcelle has, end up on the outside. Archers like Garcelle “I don’t need to do anything to be relevant.” More bark than bite however, reason and a little affection go far in assuaging the ire of an archer.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Kyle Richards

Capricorn Kyle Richards wears red and isn’t afraid to go for blood.

Capricorns are known to be sticklers who uphold punishing standards for themselves and others. This helps explain Kyle’s general disapproval of everyone; from Dorit’s glamorous tardiness to Brandi Glanville whom she ruthlessly mom-shamed, slut-shamed and called “tacky”, and perhaps most of all to her long suffering sister Kim who she publicly outed as an alcoholic. Judgment comes easy to these folks while forgiveness is a struggle. Born to endure, it makes sense that Kyle, who celebrates her birthday on January 11, would be the longest standing cast member in RHOBH history.

Capricorn is associated the archetype of the father and Kyle is aces at dealing in cool, calculated daddy vibes. Indeed, Camille made it clear that the reason she hasn’t retuned to the cast of RHOBH because Kyle wouldn’t give the green light, “I did my time on the show. And it’s Kyles show.” Kyle, like many a Cap, surrounds herself with people who need her care or seek her approval. After all, who would she be without someone to control?

Yolanda Hadid

Capricorn Yolanda Hadid is all business, keeping the haters at bay in a black turtleneck.
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Fun fact: Yolanda and Kyle share a birthday. Born January 11, these crowned Capricorns share a love of luxury and a habit for harshness. Case in point, Yolanda’s management of her daughter Gigi’s eating habits and intercession in her romantic relationships. Deeply attached to the material plane it is absolutely fitting that an earth sign like Yolanda would have an aspirational refrigerator, replete with its own Instagram account, to show off the bounty of the harvest. 

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Crystal Kung Minkoff

Crystal Kung Minkoff is an aloof, innovative Aquarius sun with a philosophical pedigree.
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Born February 4, Crystal is an Aquarius, symbolized by the water bearer, Aquarians prefer intellect over emotion and fittingly, Crystal is a direct descendent of sage philosopher Confucious. Water bearers can come across as elitists, and Crystal is no exception, admitting in the show’s confessional, “It’s common to know people in Beverly Hills through other people. But if you don’t know someone, they might not be worth knowing.”  Aquarians are driven folk who often dedicate their lives to work and humanitarian pursuits, indeed Crystal, who owns her own business, met her husband Rob Minkoff met at an office party and the couple are noted philanthropists. In particular, the pair has spent considerable energy and resources supporting Children’s Hospital Los Angeles.

Denise Richards

Aquarius Denise Richards is known for her unusual choices in partners and questionable relationship to the truth.
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Air signs, and Aquarians in particular have an interesting relationship with the truth, mainly that they create their own version of it. Emotionally detached, Aquarians like Denise have two planetary rulers, structured Saturn and wild out Uranus, meaning natives live on the borderline between convention and chaos and as such create their own rules regarding propriety. This helps explain why Denise is down to talk about d**k size on camera but clutched her pearls when the subject of threesomes was raised near her children. Aquarius, like Scorpio, is a fixed sign, indicating that natives hold on tight to beliefs and behaviors, a modality that helps explain why Denise and Scorpio adversary Brandi Glanville can gripe and grudge harder than most anyone.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Kathy Hilton

Pisces Kathy Hilton is whimsical AF, preferring the soft glow of her inner world to the harsh glare of reality.
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Dreamy, delusional Pisces Kathy Hilton was born March 13. Pisces are notoriously avoidant, so it makes sense that Kath couldn’t bear to watch her sister’s fight it out in season one or hear the hard truths of daughter Paris’s abuse. Pressed to decide, a Pisces favorite place is either a bed, a bathtub or a salt cave on MDMA so it makes sense that Kathy would treat sleep like a sport, packing six newspapers, a bag of potato chips, and a Red Bull for bedtime. Pisceans are known for their oddball sense of humor and aversion to reality, and true to form Kathy with her fake martini drinking has taken her places as the quirkiest and most quotable housewife to date. Pisces is a mutable sign that blends easily and beautifully with others which helps to explain why Kathy is a fan and franchise favorite.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.